gwyneth-paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow kidnaps local comic; offers life advice

Academy award-winning actress and all around model X/Y humanoid Gwyneth Paltrow was in the Windy City this past weekend. However rather than hit the Magnificent Mile for tarte de pomme and posturing as originally planned, the actress instead found herself in a bizarre stand-off/motherly intervention with the local comedy scene after Paltrow kidnapped a local comic, hijacked his Facebook account and began offering life advice.

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Chicago comedian Tyler Jackson just before the abduction occurred.

What began as a chance meeting and friendly handshake between Paltrow and comedian Tyler Jackson, 26, who co-produces the monthly comedy showcase Late Late Breakfast, escalated quickly sources said. Witnesses claimed the abduction took place in a matter of seconds – in plain view of police officers – outside the NFL draft on Michigan Avenue.

Worried friends were shocked to see Jackson pop up on Facebook shortly after. “We thought he was a goner,”said Liz Maupin spouse of Danny Maupin, who together make up the rest of the Late Late Breakfast team. Their relief was short-lived however as the clearly unapologetic and brazen Paltrow began offering her services as a life-coach-food-blogger to Jackson’s social media network.

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“I thought she was taunting us,” said a dumbfounded Liz Maupin, “But she answered all the questions.” Topics ranged from advice about pets, child rearing, and even celebrity dating. Liz and Danny Maupin say they became suspicious when Jackson began randomly quoting Paltrow on social media. “When I saw he was awake at 8:30am, I knew something was up,” Danny Maupin said.

Screen Shot 2015-05-05 at 11.37.38 PMThe following day police had still not been able to locate the actress. Although unable to comment officially, an officer who asked to remain anonymous suggested a possible motive. “Ever since Facebook started requiring real names we’ve seen a ton of celebrities kidnapping normal people to use their profiles.” The officer claimed, “When you name your kid ‘Basket’ or ‘Dreidle’, Facebook thinks you’re making a fake profile so [they’re] doing it for their kids.” We reached out to Facebook for comment but did not receive a response prior to press time. Many believe that Jackson is still in Paltrow’s custody.

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Police have asked that anyone with information contact local authorities.

To stay up to date on all the silliness going on in the Chicago comedy scene, tune in to Backstage Chatter – Wednesdays’s @ 8pm on WCRX 88.1FM 

In the meantime, here are more highlight’s from Tyler Jackson’s day as Gwyneth, SCROLL ON!

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